Moments

The most god forsaken moment of my life
It's a day where I count my curses, not blessings
It's full of anguish and suicidal thoughts
The therapist doesn't understand a thing
I talk to the dust and spiders on my ceiling
My only friends
My family is not as lonely, in all their coffins
If I cannot live with you, I will not live at all
If I cannot see or hear you, I will not see or hear at all
This moment sticks to me like ashes from an urn
This blood flows through me like heroin
This numbing from screaming in my fucking throat
And in my fucking throat I croak as my anger turns to sobbing laughter
And in my mind I feel a tremor like the one in my hand
The hand I use to sip vodka
The most hurt filled moment of my life
A moment I do not know how I survived

Love Without Time

God gave us one good thing and when it was made he called it love
And we ruined it, isn't that a much worse sin than those they say we have all done before
You had a beauty that I was foolish enough to believe was to good for me
Because no one gave me anything like that before, so what would I know
I miss you and you're the only person who has earned my missing them
Who has snatched the tears from my tear-less eyes
You left me lonely and god knows nothing soothed the pain
I turned up the stereo and all I heard was Mercury's crooning
And that was the straw the broke my back after all this
After all I was forced to take
I had a breakdown right then and right there
Of all that had to be playing that song captured my pain in the moment
And if I could have you one more day
Or live another millennium alone or with anyone else
I'd prepare to die tomorrow
My agony is only of the mind and heart and soul and I know this
But I swear I've been sick and not doing much since you left me
I want our love to be as passionate as if it was our last moment for every moment
And if I could write you a song or a love letter
I guess I'd have to beg a higher power for those 1000 years back after I chose you
And spend every second writing my tribute to you
I'd create a million new words to describe you
So here's the beginning of this
And I don't care what anyone else has to say
It was written just for you my love
I could never call anyone else darling like I've called you

Spiraling Into The Ink

It's funny how as a child you suck on a breast
And the overwhelming irony of us chasing that feeling the rest of our lives
It's funny how you remember autumn leaves burning
The inexplicable reason you love to smell the incineration
A butterfly is like how her eyes flutter
It's only a whisper that he mutters
Written on the walls of their minds
Like a public graffiti
Dial the devil for the deal of a lifetime
If you've got blood in your veins you can sign that dotted line
Don't miss this once in a lifetime, perfectly good opportunity
To throw your life away
Pornography is such a violent and beautiful sight
Especially when you're lonely, it's dark, the lights in the night won't even keep you company
You imagine that flesh can be a meal
Something to sustain your existence, something to give you life
Some mental and sexual affliction related to vermin
Lead cattle and livestock to water and watch them bleed
You see a goddess with a forked tongue come to you in your dreams
Possessed tattooed virgin suicide girl
Meth hides a decaying reality around you in a bullshit wonderland

I Don’t Know You

 I look in the mirror and I find I don’t know you anymore
I don’t know this person I see
This person I live in
I remember trying to live a normal life
And when I resurfaced from the waters I had been suffocating in
I saw I was living like the dead
Alone, in a room, and anything but normal
A child and nothing more
Hurting and scared all the time
Sad and wishing for someone or something to fulfill
Words couldn’t describe
You knew your weakness and how ugly and powerless you could feel
You knew you weren’t them like you do now
But I’ve gotten colder, and you had more faith
You had a drive, a will to live,
But I can feel that is slowly dying to
How much could anyone hurt you?
They could destroy everything
So you grew your hate
And your fat body and unhappy mind began to hurt
Your skin began to hurt
You were sensitive and sometimes that still is true
But you knew something was wrong with you
You shouldn’t have been and you didn’t ask to be
So you hated everything and then you hated yourself
Your hate grew like a tree
But now I can feel it overgrowing the fence lines of your heart
So you planted a few ideas
And a big one came true when you needed it and were weak
So now I plan to be better to be fierce and deadly and something wilder than all your imagination growing in that room
No matter where I end up
I have reached the end of this life limit
I want more
I want more for the arms that wrapped themselves around you at night because they had nowhere else to be
The earth was your friend and so was everything inside
Because outside now that I evoke old tired thoughts
I remember all the pain
But I’m done with the pain
Done with people and society and being this way
You became me as you got tired of everything
Hate because love was dead like god was dead to Nietzsche
There is no trust amongst these animals we call people
They are all just as corrupt
People always comment on you
Because to see what they are would kill them because they contradict their own sick and stupid society
You could never feel good enough
But we will be
I thought I didn’t know you
but maybe you don’t know me