Moments

The most god forsaken moment of my life
It's a day where I count my curses, not blessings
It's full of anguish and suicidal thoughts
The therapist doesn't understand a thing
I talk to the dust and spiders on my ceiling
My only friends
My family is not as lonely, in all their coffins
If I cannot live with you, I will not live at all
If I cannot see or hear you, I will not see or hear at all
This moment sticks to me like ashes from an urn
This blood flows through me like heroin
This numbing from screaming in my fucking throat
And in my fucking throat I croak as my anger turns to sobbing laughter
And in my mind I feel a tremor like the one in my hand
The hand I use to sip vodka
The most hurt filled moment of my life
A moment I do not know how I survived

I Don’t Know You

 I look in the mirror and I find I don’t know you anymore
I don’t know this person I see
This person I live in
I remember trying to live a normal life
And when I resurfaced from the waters I had been suffocating in
I saw I was living like the dead
Alone, in a room, and anything but normal
A child and nothing more
Hurting and scared all the time
Sad and wishing for someone or something to fulfill
Words couldn’t describe
You knew your weakness and how ugly and powerless you could feel
You knew you weren’t them like you do now
But I’ve gotten colder, and you had more faith
You had a drive, a will to live,
But I can feel that is slowly dying to
How much could anyone hurt you?
They could destroy everything
So you grew your hate
And your fat body and unhappy mind began to hurt
Your skin began to hurt
You were sensitive and sometimes that still is true
But you knew something was wrong with you
You shouldn’t have been and you didn’t ask to be
So you hated everything and then you hated yourself
Your hate grew like a tree
But now I can feel it overgrowing the fence lines of your heart
So you planted a few ideas
And a big one came true when you needed it and were weak
So now I plan to be better to be fierce and deadly and something wilder than all your imagination growing in that room
No matter where I end up
I have reached the end of this life limit
I want more
I want more for the arms that wrapped themselves around you at night because they had nowhere else to be
The earth was your friend and so was everything inside
Because outside now that I evoke old tired thoughts
I remember all the pain
But I’m done with the pain
Done with people and society and being this way
You became me as you got tired of everything
Hate because love was dead like god was dead to Nietzsche
There is no trust amongst these animals we call people
They are all just as corrupt
People always comment on you
Because to see what they are would kill them because they contradict their own sick and stupid society
You could never feel good enough
But we will be
I thought I didn’t know you
but maybe you don’t know me

Living alone

Her tattoo reads, "out of order"
Broken minds, broken bones
Nothing works out like It's meant to be
You just crawl your way through life
Never knowing If things are gonna be ok
No friends,no family
Life getting so out of hand
You fear death, but you just don't care
You exist
You don't live
Politicians, religion
It all fades
You believe what you taught yourself
You believe what you learned
Not what society,others, culture
Wound into your head
Writing on the bathroom walls to your soul
You graffiti your heart yourself
Broken heart, Broken soul
Whose to say if we die we won't meet again
Till the death sensation takes hold