Moments

The most god forsaken moment of my life
It's a day where I count my curses, not blessings
It's full of anguish and suicidal thoughts
The therapist doesn't understand a thing
I talk to the dust and spiders on my ceiling
My only friends
My family is not as lonely, in all their coffins
If I cannot live with you, I will not live at all
If I cannot see or hear you, I will not see or hear at all
This moment sticks to me like ashes from an urn
This blood flows through me like heroin
This numbing from screaming in my fucking throat
And in my fucking throat I croak as my anger turns to sobbing laughter
And in my mind I feel a tremor like the one in my hand
The hand I use to sip vodka
The most hurt filled moment of my life
A moment I do not know how I survived

My Affection Withers In This Tragedy

 There was a time when I’d see us walking amongst the trees and rain 
Now all I see when I look down at your grave
Is the television that day, unphased reporter saying x amount dead
Another mass killing and my life has been ruined again
The tears Have carved a labyrinth of paths through my heart
I can’t make sense of wrong and right
I thought I’d felt it all before this grief so heavy bared across my back
Like rain of steel piercing all of me
I hate it all I hate you all
What was so wrong with all of you
Now everything I ever had was stolen away
Seeing visions in my sorrow of someone I loved in a heaven I didn’t believe in
Now I need that heaven more than ever
I need it if I ever wanna see you again
This world doesn't hold a fucking thing for me
I cry as I lay all day and all night where you sleep forever
I want my revenge that I’ll never have
I want to make something better
Because I know I’ll never love again
As the tools of death ring in ears everywhere
Politicians and religious figures offer prayers and silence
I don’t want your pity
I want something back that no one can give me
I don’t care why they did it
I know the killer probably had pain inside to
But I will never forgive and never relate
For all the agony and torture my soul holds now is all their fault
And it wasn’t my loves fault for any of it so why and how can it all be gone
How could you do that to someone who never knew you and never hurt you
I am marked by the ashes of this apocalypse until I die
Nothing’s changing because no one can understand what’s going on
No one’s listening, they just act like they are
And I know it’s not gonna be the last time