Locked In A Closet

I'm not telling you anything, anymore 
What? So you can call me liar, fuck you
When I tell you how grandmother said,
" You better remember grandpa
Because this is the last time you're gonna see him
Because tonight, when he's asleep..."
She says this while running a finger over her throat
She slams her door again, And i scream and I cry
In fear and hate, I scream and cry
You didn't see those eyes
Like walking in the night with no moonlight
Her face entirely wet with tears
All these years later and their screaming won't stop
My uncle lives with them
I can tell you about he's teasing and bullying and laughing at me
But If I had a dollar for everyone that hurt me
I'd have enough to buy a weapon with a bullet for everyone plus me
So he's just another motherfucker except the times he chased me for fighting back
"Call my stuff stupid Does the word fuck face mean anything to you?"
You don't like the F word?
Chasing me to the room i'm locked in
Beating to break the door
My grandfather tries to pick the lock
He doesn't give a good goddamn what happens to me
As long as that damn door doesn't cave '
The only thing saving me from getting beat is them beating on each other
1,2,3 cop cars in the driveway
Doesn't matter nothing ever happens
I guess that's what you had in mind when you said they're just old fashioned
Pulling knives on me
Try to push my eyes in with your thumbs
Corner me, chase me, beat me with you'r fists some more
I hardly feel it anymore
Yell at me and call me everything you can think of
It's doesn't matter , I hardly feel that to
My mom used to watch me in the shower
She made me touch her on the chest where I shouldn't have
Coat hangers, belts , shoes, frying pans, remotes, books, food
Open handed or white knuckled fists, it's all the same
My head, my back, my legs, my arms, my chest
But all someone like you can say is " Are you sure that really happend?"
Hell yeah I'm sure, I felt it motherfucker
"Was it really that bad?"
I don't exaggerate and if I did you couldn't tell
What do you know about this world, the real world, you civilized piggy
And some one else just has to say,
" Hey I've been there and i don't think what you have to say is all that bad.
I've seen a whole lot worse."
Yeah, oh yeah? Let me sum you up
While you experienced a fraction of darkness
Something you say is "Bigger than me"
Trying to suck me into your mine is worse than yours game
I learned well and I stayed strong
But your little story about not getting all that material you wanted
From a good present rich daddy and a subservient mother
You shoved every substance you could inside every hole you have
And like another weak junkie you cleaned up and became a saved and born again hypocrite
So it means so much coming from a man with a cross on his head
Some whispers in my ear " Hey, I heard so and so say she doesn't believe you."
Does It look like I give a shit?
Like I fucking care
It happened so believe it or don't
You don't know about being solitary
So many years around so many faces
Only paying you a negative mind
I can't stand to talk to anyone
To look at them
It's so painful to interact, I spectate instead
And I've learned to hate you
Before you get to know me enough to hate me
Look at me like the fucking freak
A monster that I am
Just for my hate and anger
I'm sick and I'm tired
I'm sick and I'm tired
Of being the only one who can't hate
While you call me everything
But the only liar is you
Keep lying to yourself

I Don’t Know You

 I look in the mirror and I find I don’t know you anymore
I don’t know this person I see
This person I live in
I remember trying to live a normal life
And when I resurfaced from the waters I had been suffocating in
I saw I was living like the dead
Alone, in a room, and anything but normal
A child and nothing more
Hurting and scared all the time
Sad and wishing for someone or something to fulfill
Words couldn’t describe
You knew your weakness and how ugly and powerless you could feel
You knew you weren’t them like you do now
But I’ve gotten colder, and you had more faith
You had a drive, a will to live,
But I can feel that is slowly dying to
How much could anyone hurt you?
They could destroy everything
So you grew your hate
And your fat body and unhappy mind began to hurt
Your skin began to hurt
You were sensitive and sometimes that still is true
But you knew something was wrong with you
You shouldn’t have been and you didn’t ask to be
So you hated everything and then you hated yourself
Your hate grew like a tree
But now I can feel it overgrowing the fence lines of your heart
So you planted a few ideas
And a big one came true when you needed it and were weak
So now I plan to be better to be fierce and deadly and something wilder than all your imagination growing in that room
No matter where I end up
I have reached the end of this life limit
I want more
I want more for the arms that wrapped themselves around you at night because they had nowhere else to be
The earth was your friend and so was everything inside
Because outside now that I evoke old tired thoughts
I remember all the pain
But I’m done with the pain
Done with people and society and being this way
You became me as you got tired of everything
Hate because love was dead like god was dead to Nietzsche
There is no trust amongst these animals we call people
They are all just as corrupt
People always comment on you
Because to see what they are would kill them because they contradict their own sick and stupid society
You could never feel good enough
But we will be
I thought I didn’t know you
but maybe you don’t know me

My Affection Withers In This Tragedy

 There was a time when I’d see us walking amongst the trees and rain 
Now all I see when I look down at your grave
Is the television that day, unphased reporter saying x amount dead
Another mass killing and my life has been ruined again
The tears Have carved a labyrinth of paths through my heart
I can’t make sense of wrong and right
I thought I’d felt it all before this grief so heavy bared across my back
Like rain of steel piercing all of me
I hate it all I hate you all
What was so wrong with all of you
Now everything I ever had was stolen away
Seeing visions in my sorrow of someone I loved in a heaven I didn’t believe in
Now I need that heaven more than ever
I need it if I ever wanna see you again
This world doesn't hold a fucking thing for me
I cry as I lay all day and all night where you sleep forever
I want my revenge that I’ll never have
I want to make something better
Because I know I’ll never love again
As the tools of death ring in ears everywhere
Politicians and religious figures offer prayers and silence
I don’t want your pity
I want something back that no one can give me
I don’t care why they did it
I know the killer probably had pain inside to
But I will never forgive and never relate
For all the agony and torture my soul holds now is all their fault
And it wasn’t my loves fault for any of it so why and how can it all be gone
How could you do that to someone who never knew you and never hurt you
I am marked by the ashes of this apocalypse until I die
Nothing’s changing because no one can understand what’s going on
No one’s listening, they just act like they are
And I know it’s not gonna be the last time